Snowman Spoon Rest

It was June when I got the offer. I wasn’t even looking for a job but when the opportunity came, it sounded too good to pass up. I would be making two dollars less an hour and the work would be considerably more challenging then my current job. No more summers off, no more long weekends and then there was the two dollars less an hour which I told myself didn’t matter.

I read the offer carefully and then just as I was about to celebrate.I read the last sentence.. Pending a drug screening. I could hardly believe that in order to get this crap job that paid two dollars an hour less, I had to pass a drug test.

It was in the time of covid. I had already been home for three months hiding out, waiting for the virus to strike, or not. I had taken to smoking marijuana daily, or more exactly nightly for more than a year, or maybe two years, I can no longer remember. I looked up online what I already knew.which was that it could take up to 90 days for marijuana to leave your system, even longer if they tested your hair follicles but I didn’t think it would come to that.

At best it might take 30 days to leave your system but I didn’t have that kind of time.

I stopped smoking immediately. It was easy enough. I packed everything marajuana related and gave it to my wife to hide from me. I had at that time only three weeks until the test.

By the time I was on day three I was mourning all the times I would not be high that summer, at the beach, family gatherings, visits to my mother, at home, at night and of course day.

It was then that my wife came up with the idea to push back my start date. I had some previous commitments so it wasn’t a stretch to start the job later. As we looked over the calendar, we counted out the days, 33, 34, 35, and so on until we counted 40 days till the first day of work.

I surely thought that I would be clean by then, however as the days ticked by, I was less confident and started to look up ways to pass the test. The only rule I had was that I would not cheat. Other than that I was willing to drink, eat or inhale anything that would help me pass the test.

The first thing I did was buy a home test for cannabis. The reviews on Amazon said the test was accurate and that was my only criteria. The box contained 6 tests but I was confident that I would only need one or two. Next ,I went to the health food store and boldly told the girl at the register that I was looking for a cleanse to help me pass a drug test. Before I could get the words out of my mouth, the cashier turned around, grabbed a giant jug and put it on the counter.

I borrowed some of her confidence and paid for it without even reading the label.

When I got in the car, I emptied the bag and looked at the bottle. Liquid Drano was what came to my mind. I giant jug of Liquid Draino. I didn’t ponder how I was going to drink it

[this story ends here]

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