The King Wants You!

I click.

Burger King is looking for Managers to run their restaurants. I think it’s kind of cool that they call themselves a restaurant. I guess it’s like calling me a Marketing Consultant while I’m unemployed.

I click.

My friends at Career Builder are hard at work trying to find me a job. They reassure me that their giant database will match my skills with what employers are looking.

Update my resume!

Attract more employers!

Based on my profile they send me jobs that meet my skill set. I wonder how my Masters Degree in Health Care Administration makes me “King” material. I wonder how my volunteer experiences as a shopper for the disabled, makes me worthy of a personal invitation to apply to The Kingdom.

I click.

It turns out I’m not “King” material. Even if I wanted the King, he wouldn’t grant me an interview. I have no restaurant management experience much less the 10 years the King is looking for. Furthermore have no retail experience. In fact, I have never operated a cash register. I have no experience in the food service industry either. I click on.

Police Officers Needed. Like all unsolicited offers, I weigh the pros and cons of opening the email. Do I risk getting a virus by opening this email from an unknown source? Of Course. I am fired. I’m on the Stimulus Package since last April. I open the email. Click. Click.

The anonymous sender asks, if I think I am the type. Do I think I have what it takes to become a police? Do I have a need to serve the public trust and to protect others? No. No. No.

The sender can’t possibly know me. I am a nervous anxious person. I am overweight. I don’t have any need to serve the public trust and feel incapable on the most basic level of protecting others.

The sender sites a quote from the Journal of Police Science and Administration. “A Police Officer with a college degree has a 73% chance for superior performance!” I wonder which of my college degrees would better my performance as a police officer. Neither has helped me find a job.

I click.

Important Notice from someone named Heidi. There is a Bank Draft for 970,000 dollars which will be sent to me via courier if I pay the outstanding balance of 195.00 dollars to a Mr. Kenny. There is even a phone number to call with questions but somehow I get the feeling that Mr. Kenny is really a girl named Windy sitting in an internet café with a disposable cell phone somewhere in Nigeria. I’ve been home long enough to see ever episode of “To Catch a Predator” and I can already picture Chris Hanson interviewing me in my living room. “What were you thinking when you sent the money?”

I click.

Make the career change you’ve been looking for. Do I find the legal system fascinating? I do, however I am unemployed and don’t have the money to pay the tuition to quell my fascination. I still owe 20,000 dollars to Sally Mae or Freddy Mac or whoever lent me the money for graduate school. In fact, they call me frequently looking for their money. I have started avoiding their calls. I can’t figure out how I still owe them money. I thought they were on the stimulus package as of last spring. I doubt they are going to lend me any money to further my career ambitions. I’m not a good risk. I don’t even have a job.

Teachers needed in Korea, Japan and China to teach English. I am seduced by the idea of living in Southeast Asia for a year. I read further. It sounds like I’ll be teaching at night school. Well more like Adult Ed. The work day is 4pm -10pm. I usually take a little nap around 4:00pm. I wonder where we will live. I wonder where my three sons will go to school. None of us speak Korean. None of us speak Japanese. None of us speak Chinese.

I click.

Am I a U.S. citizen or permanent resident alien? I wonder what a permanent resident alien is. I cling to my U.S. citizenship and scroll on. Am I between the ages of 17-41 years old? Am I healthy and in good physical condition? Am I in good moral standing? Do I have a high school diploma or equivalent education?

I have a better chance of working for the King. Despite my poor health and questionable moral standing, I exceed the age requirements by two years. I wonder if the Army will extend the age requirements to enlist. In three years I can serve with my son. Maybe they will have some kind of

Mommy and Me promotion.

I click.

Unlimited Earnings Potential.

I click. I click. I click. I click

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